Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
