then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
