This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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