Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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