I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
