True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
In America we eat man semen.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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