When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
