If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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