I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
