i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
