I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
