Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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