i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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