Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
