I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
