Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
