he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
