im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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