Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
