tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
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