I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
