It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
