Someone shit on the floor
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize