quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
