i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
