I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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