Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i wish my penis had a tongue
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
