Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
