so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
