you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
