If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
