the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My balls are so social today.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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