I'm lost and stupid without you.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
