Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
