I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
