she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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