What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
