when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
