I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
