the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
