And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
