captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
