She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
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