This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
