apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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