matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
