frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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