did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
