If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Randomize
