I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
