Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
