Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
