Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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