Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
