just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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