mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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