I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
